crying into the night [illusion]

[T H i R T E E N »]

T H I R T E E N
you might as well just do it alone and i'll watch you go

<sub>The sky was pitch black now, the final rays of precious summer sunlight fading away into the black abyss that was the night sky. Faint blips of white light kept on appearing in the sky, the stars coming though to let their silvery light illuminate the land of Nevermore. It was a very beautiful sight. The emerald grass was twinkling with the silvery specks of reflected starlight dancing on the dew. The water was very still, and a large white moon was slowly rising in the centre of the horizon. The glow radiated and reflected on the water. Small waves began to lap on the tiny rocks of the shore-line. A figure sat directly opposite the moon, looking like a black silhouette against its light. A small breeze flew past, not shifting the water, but blowing over the body of the figure, causing its shape to blur somewhat until the breeze past. The glow of the moon brightened the black of the sky, its creamy light blending in with the silvery specks of starlight. The calming sounds of the waves made the air rather cool and tranquil, making the figure at the water side let out an inaudible sigh and make a small ripple in the water.

The sigh slowly got louder, just enough louder so it could be heard by anyone that was to walk past at that point in time. A long tail swayed in the rocks, making a small shape where it had travelled, shifting the water away. Rounded ears twitched and turned a little as the final sounds of the morning birds faded away into the night. It had been a long day of sitting by the coast. The figure slid two rounded paws to touch the edge of the water, claws completely submerged in the clear liquid. Two eyes of a deep orange colour gazed out into the vast world outside the valley, reflections of the moon and water dancing in her eyes. There was nothing else to be seen in them, they were void of emotion. Or, they were masking emotion. Thirteen lowered her head, closing her eyes and her jaw too. Teeth clattered together as she did so, a plume of air coming from her nostrils. She continued to sit in the multi-coloured pebbles, hardly moving a muscle and just letting time slip past her. There was nothing for her to do. She was the Alphess of the Goronzo pack, and she was proud of that fact. Still, with all the brains, there was little to do. No crisis to attend to. It was good, but it left her feeling useless and alone most of the time.

In her head, there was just a blank space. It had taken her a while, but she had erased some parts of her past. Unfortunately, they were all of the good times. There were no scenes of joy with her friends, no happiness at all. All Thirteen could see was her being excluded. The same image was implanted in her mind. It was just her on the side lines in an autumn forest, watching her friends playing in a pile of leaves, giggling and laughing. It was all she had left of his puppyhood. She knew it would be a horrid life ahead if that was all she had, but she didn’t care at all. As she had her eyes closed, a small tear rolled over her rose-tinged Arctic coat, coming down her nose and finally landing in the water. The sound of it dripping caused her eyes to open, and look down at the small circle of water ripples she had just created. “Why…why did you always leave me out? Was I such a bad pup?” Her voice was hoarse and rusty, like she had been crying for ages. And that was true. She had been crying for a long time, thinking about her past and future and everything in between. Thirteen had so many secrets to herself, she felt destructive.

Her main secret: her homosexuality. No wolf in Nevermore knew her secret. Not even her parents had clocked onto it when she was a pup. It was just something she kept hidden from everyone. Rumours had been spread when she was in her teens, something that she didn’t want to relive in her adult years. All she could see was pups jeering in her head, making more tears roll down her face as she whimpered quietly to herself. No Alphess should cry; it was weak. But, she didn’t care for stereotypes. Parting her jaws, she howled out into the darkness, wondering if anyone was even out there.

The air was still again once the sorrowful howl of Thirteen’s had faded into the night. Eyelids fell swiftly over her eyes as the mutt-wolf’s head dropped quickly to her chest, more and more tears pouring from her eyes as time went on. She was gone now, lost in a world of memories that she could not escape from. They had consumed her life for many years, and that wasn’t about to change. The drops of salty water flooded down her nose and down her coat, soaking her chest and paws as they fell. Small whimpers came from her slightly parted lips, body quivering a little as the raw emotion came out of her system and out into the open world. Oh, she had been bottling it all up for years now. It had been festering in her heart, soul and mind since it all began. And it was here and now where it was all eking out slowly. It was a small relief, but the wolf knew that this episode would be one of many more to come. But that was just how things were in her life. Thirteen tried so hard to stop the tears, but they just kept on coming. She didn’t want anyone to see, but knew that her howling would have alerted someone to her, and had to live with that.

Someone had to see her cry.</sub>

[Ɨlluƨion.]

I L L U S I O N !!

He didn't know why he was here.

Stepping under the great moon, which seemed to hang so close to the earth, the pale figure loped through the flowers, closing silver eyes that glowed brilliantly in the starlight. The night brought beauty to everything, and darkness, but it seemed so solitary, even when others were padding around you. But he was alone here, as he was often alone nowadays. Perhaps if he stuck to his own territory, he could converse with his own pack and make friends, but they often didn't want to listen to his spouts of childish speech. A lot outcast him from Flyanta, from his personality to his past, a past he couldn't shake off even if he wanted to. It was horrible how often wolves picked out the bad in someone instead of the good. He had to get away from the waters again, from his reflection. He was starting to see what they saw, an annoying-ass gay wolf who wouldn't make it in a world ruled by beautiful females who were the bane of his existence.

Illusion inhaled the fragrance of the petals his paws brushed softly against. He smiled weakly and looked around at the valley, hearing the water in the distance but for the first time in his life not fearing it. This place was so beautiful and peaceful, he couldn't be afraid. The smells of the flowers had cloaked him as soon as he entered this land, somewhere he had never been before. It was marked by no border he recognized, so he was unable to know if he stepped on enemy territory. But...why did they have to be enemies? Those Goranzo wolves by the rapids - they had not put his heritage against him. He didn't truly feel he belonged in his own pack - his parents had betrayed it for a reason. He could see it now, while his alphess tried to sort the vain from the true, that too many self-centered bitches had gotten through. And he was worthless for them; he wasn't going to bow to their pretty faces and court them and give them what they really wanted.

The arctic wolf found himself running. Running for what reason, he did not know. A bitter feeling welled up in his throat under the moon. Was the moon a lady, too, or a silvery-white male who had to live by his nature rather than choose to glow as valiantly as the sun? His steps quickened as he kicked up petals of every hue, an aroma rising up around him like a cloak. He would keep running until he found a purpose in life, he told himself. With every step, he was farther away from Flyanta, from his life as the bullied omega. Would he really dare to leave? He was a coward for staying so long, wasn't he? But being a lone wolf would be so much worse. He would truly have no one to comfort him or to talk to. The sick feeling boiled in his stomach, and he slowed to a halt, trembling from the effort of sprinting for so long, lifting his eyes to the slopes of the valley, feeling somewhat afraid.

Then, he heard the howl.

It was such a mournful note, ringing out in the still night air, raising the fur on his spine slowly as his claws dug into the earth. Eyes wide, he flicked his ears toward the sound, rattling his silver earrings. The cry almost drew tears to his own eyes as he heard it, the scream of someone lost and alone, just like he was. Slowly, he pivoted his body in the direction of the howl, and took tentative steps. Soon, he ran once again, seeing a shape silhouetted by the moon, its form quivering with what had to be tears. His paws faltered as he stood stark still and watched the shuddering form of the rose-tinged she-wolf as she sobbed, whimpering, tears rolling. He watched the tears stream down her pale coat and trembled. One would believe him to be an empath rather than an air elemental, as he felt her pain break in his heart.

Illusion walked forward quietly and lowered his ears as he approached the alphess from the rapids, the one who had saved him. He smiled weakly in case she saw him, a smile full of sadness, and silently sat beside her; he was one to be close to others, as that was his way of helping, ignoring their emotionless masks and shrugs, lending the comfort of another body close. He turned his head and pressed his cold nose into her shoulder, closing his eyes, murmuring softly, "Cry. It's okay." He nuzzled her fur slowly, breathing warmth into it as he spoke in a whisper again. "Someone's here, honey."

[T H i R T E E N »]

T H I R T E E N
you might as well just do it alone and i'll watch you go

<sub>The moonlight bathed her, made her fur glitter and sparkle, tears clinging to her fur reflecting the light oh-so delicately. Orange eyes were still shut tightly in a futile attempt to stop the salty liquid for pouring out. Tail lay still now around her paws, water lapping carelessly at it as it ebbed to and fro. The night was so peaceful, and she was disrupting it with her tears. Her chest was damp and the hairs clung together, nose slightly buried in the fur. Whimpering still echoes from her mouth, muffled slightly, but still audible enough to pain others hearts if they so walked past her. Lifting her head from deep in her chest, she opened her eyes and looked at the moon. It was silvery white and shining down on her and the water. A few more tears rolled down the side of her face as a delicate smile traced her muzzle in an attempt to prove she was alright. As the flow of tears ceased for a moment, a sigh flew out of her mouth, head falling to look down into the water again. It was as black as the sky was, but the moonlight made it glitter and sparkle white, her reflection staring back at her. She did so love her reflection, because on the other side of it, she looked happy, like it was some unknown world where everything was alright. Perhaps there was another world out there, perhaps this was just the place where she was sad, and that another Alphess roamed around with a constant smile on her rose-tinged face. Perhaps, but perhaps not. Both were in equal measure of each other, possibilities low. At least there would always be hope in the world; even if it seemed to her like none ever existed.

Rising to her four paws, tail hanging low, she shook her body violently, still-wet tears flying into the water and creating small ripples where they landed. Blinking, she looked down to watch them. Taking a step closer to the waters edge, she felt the cooling waves lapping over her paws. Every time she cried, her body seemed to go into a state of panic and boil over, so water always felt nice to her. Slowly, she walked ever deeper into the water, until half of each leg was submerged. Closing her eyes once more, ripples formed as she rose out of the water, paws resting lightly on the surface. She was never surprised that others thought of her to be an Air Element, or Water at times, because of the way she walked over water or floated, or something in between. Many were shocked at her controlling Gravity, for she hardly ever used it. Occasionally, she would use it to bring birds down for a kill, but that was as far as she ever dared travel with it. Saying that, she was incredibly skilled with her Element, as only she herself knew. She had made rocks levitate on countless occasions, along with making a rather spectacular leaf-storm in her den. As she thought on about her talent, the tears dried up even further, the smile on her face a little wider. “Maybe I am worth something after all…” Turning her body around and walking back to the rock-shore, she sat down in the exact same place as she had been since the night fell, curling her tail around her paws again as she lowered herself down. Gazing over her shoulder, she watched the flowers swaying in the breeze, their scent enticing her. Closing her eyes again, she turned back to the water and let the calm flow over as she drifted into thought.

‘They think that I should be mates with Daemon. They all think that, because…it is normal for a pack to be lead by male-female mates. And, I agree with them. On some levels. Daemon has been a good friend and companion of mine since I became Alphess of the pack, so it was only right that I chose him to be at my side. At the time, it was a good decision, because I could not handle things on my own. I was so young and unable to think clearly. And, that decision now haunts me each and every day. When will they understand that one does not have to be mates to rule with another at their side? Friendly ruling is allowed, is it not? Or am I loosing it? For so long I have kept the secret to myself, fearing the ridicule and disloyalty that light ensue if I so told. It is ridiculous how one has to hide because of who they are. I just wish there was someone out there who would understand my plight…alas…there is none who will stand by me. Daemon would no sooner rip my throat out if I told him, for that is his way. He does not understand or comprehend how one can have deep rooted feelings for the same gender. He believes it goes against biology. винт биология. It does nothing for you at all…it only causes pain to those who wish nothing more than to go against it to make themselves feel happier and wanted.’

As she thought on, more tears surfaced. She had weak emotional stability, so anything set her off crying once she had started. Burying her head in her chest again, more tears rolled down her face, fur and onto the rocks below. Ears twitched as she heard the faint echo of paw steps over the rocks, but she never moved. The scent alerted her to the wolf not being one of her own, but that didn’t make her hide her emotions, the scent was all to familiar to her. It was the male, the one from the rapids. She was sure of it. Lifting her head out of her chest, she turned her blazing orange eyes onto him, chest rising and falling with her quick and erratic breaths. She could feel and see him nuzzling her shoulder delicately, in an attempt to make her feel better. She was surprised at how it worked, but her tears never stopped falling. “I…I…t-t-thank y-y-you…” Letting more tears roll, no more words fell out of her mouth, her thoughts becoming mixed shouts and pleas.

She kept her gaze on him, a small smile quivering at the side of her mouth, "W-why are you here...i-if you don't mind me a-askin you t-t-that...But...whatever y-your reason...p-please....don't go..."

винт биология - screw biology
[yes, Thir knows a hellova lot of Russian xD]</sub>

[Ɨlluƨion.]

I L L U S I O N !!

He noticed the water.

As he had been approaching, the pale figure of the sobbing female had lifted slowly. His heart had leapt into his chest as she walked toward the water. Memories from the rapids swarmed him - bubbles, the cold shock, his lungs filling and tightening, the teeth on his scruff, pulling him out. He quivered, and his steps toward her had become shaky. It was ridiculous for him to be so afraid, here on dry land, when the waters looked calm anyway even as it smacked lightly against the shore. The waterfall in Flyanta was scarier than this, especially after he'd carelessly tumbled into the pool, standing and whimpering as the cold pounded his pack, as the others laughed at him when the water came not even to his knees. A coward, a stupid coward. The omega.

Deeper memories rose in the white wolf, of a tawny face, smiling at him, amber eyes shy as he approached. The stranger's name had been Reynard, his fur as rich as a fox's, his handsome face as sly as one's. He and Rey had met by chance while hunting, scuffling over a rabbit before landing in an awkward position, one male pinned by another. It was the first day his heart had felt so light, but when he ran to tell his young uncle, Flint had stared in shock. "You...and a male?" he'd questioned slowly. "You're...in love, Illusion, aren't you." It was not a question, and it needed no answer. His uncle had shaken his head and given him a pitying look, not digusted but far from happy.

The point of the story was, his parents hadn't asked questions either. They'd just chucked him into the nearest stream. And pushed his head under. And ignored his wailing.

Illusion shook himself out and watched the rosy female step on top of the water, tears dropping delicately from her whiskers, causing miniature ripples. He marvelled at the sight as he ran toward her, and his heart lightened briefly as he pushed memories aside and saw her features brighten. But the moment was short-lived. When he had reached her side to try to comfort her, she had started crying again. He knew how she felt, how just one thought could draw out tears even if one had been laughing and smiling moments before. He didn't think that he had cried in a long time, instead smiling, pretending. But that hurt so much more.

At his touch, the female - Thirteen, wasn't she called Thirteen? - looked at him. He smiled into her deep, pumpkin-colored eyes slightly, and let her cry again when she turned her muzzle back into her heaving chest. He sat there next to her, silently, leaning slightly so that she could feel the warmth of another wolf against her pelt, occasionally licking her neck or ear to let her know he was there. She thanked him, her voice shaking from sobs, barely able to get her words out. He shook his head at that, needing no thanks. He wasn't doing anything - just what wasn't done for him. No one had been there when he cried. His uncle had come briefly, to apologize, but had been detached and wandered off again. Frightened of his tears. Guys aren't supposed to cry, after all.

"Hush," Illusion breathed against her ear. He could feel every short breath, every quiver against his frame, as he looked out at the water. But he was too distracted for fear to spark in his silvery gaze. The fleck of blue in his left eye glowed under the light of the moon, standing out briefly like a tear of his own. He looked at the girl again, sighing quietly. Strong. She was so strong. He could tell that she had held this back for so long, had probably covered it up with a smile. He had never been able to do that for long.

Her eyes fell on him as she managed to get out, "W-why are you here...i-if you don't mind me a-askin you t-t-that...But...whatever y-your reason...p-please....don't go..."

Illusion frowned slightly as he looked out at the water, avoiding her gaze, pondering over her query. What did she mean by why he was here? Did she mean this particular territory, or why he was at her side. To be safe, he answered both, in a forced quiet and gentle voice even if he was almost starting to shake also. "I needed to get away from my pack... And when I saw you, I had to come. No one shoud have to be alone." He twisted his head to lean it against her, his heart thumping loudly. "I won't go anywhere, sweetheart." He hesitated after a few more moments, wondering if he had the right to ask, and said hesitantly, "Do you...want to talk about anything?"

[T H i R T E E N »]

T H I R T E E N
you might as well just do it alone and i'll watch you go

<sub>All she could do was cry. Thirteen’s muffled whimpering ceased as she tightened her muscles for a moment, trying to push back every single tear which had fallen. Alas, it was no use. Body fell limp again, legs quivering for a moment. She shifted her eyes from the male who sat at her side and down to the water. She could feel and see one lone tear clinging to the side of her face. Letting a long and quiet sigh out, she watched it float away from her fur, a perfectly spherical drop levitating in mid air. The moonlight glittered off it, made it shimmer and shine, bringing another small smile across her slightly damp face. Lifting a paw, she pushed at the air space between the floating tear and the ground, and it began to spin gently in one spot. The flickers of light began to dance over the water and her body. Letting an odd childish giggle come out after the sigh, she pushed the tear away and let it fall into the lake water below, more ripples forming on the surface of the lake itself. She often found pleasure in such awkward and odd things like that, and she wondered what he thought of her little display.

Ears twitched and fell as a few more rogue tears rolled from out of the corner of her eyes. She was fully unable to stop herself. She let her eyes fall back onto the white male. Did she ever get his name at the rapids? Vaguely, she remembered the other female uttering a name. Was it Illusion? More than likely it was, because something made her remember the rapids when she uttered the name in her head. It was a nice name, she had to admit, and it rolled off the tongue easily enough for her. Breathing slowed a little as her thoughts ran into check a little more than before. It seemed as if she had found a friend in this wolf, and she did so hope that he wasn’t being friendly to her because he needed to pay some kind of debt to her. Oh, she did hate little things like that, repaying debts. Saving a life was not something that needed repaying. Shaking her muzzle a little, her orange eyes glittered again in the light. She noticed that a fleck of blue was in one of his eyes, which sparkled as well, and yet made him look saddened also. It was an interesting combination of emotions for one to have.

Tail was still curled around her paws neatly, but the tip flicked occasionally as random thoughts came in and out of her head. As her mind focused more, she felt his body better. He was leaning against her a little, she could feel his fur intertwining with hers in a way she was not used to. Never had she been comforted by another wolf in her life, and she did like the feeling of closeness she got from the male. However, the licking of her side, neck and ear did cause a little discomfort to her, for obvious reasons. And yet, deep down, she felt like there was a similar discomfort coming from the male. It made her curious. There were many questions lingering in her head, none of which to do with him directly, but ones she had heard over her life many times which could be directed at him. But perhaps she was mulling things over too much, her emotional state getting the better of her. One paw shuffled out of the grasp of her tail to rest silently by the lake’s water, cooling the tips of her paws, claws fully covered in the cold liquid. Shoulders slumped for a moment as she took a deep breath and held it for a while. She was still quivering a little, in a state of panic almost, but the tears were drying slowly but surely.

Letting her head fall to one side, she watched him frown and look away from her. Had she upset him by asking her question? She dearly hoped not. Chest still rising and falling at an irregular pace, she nudged his shoulder and smiled lightly towards him. “P-p-please…don’t be u-upset.” She whispered her words as she tried to find her voice again. Looking at the water, she flicked her toes and sent small droplets across the lake. Taking her other paw out and putting that next to the other, her smile faded a little at the corners of her mouth. Another tear fell from her eyes as he mentioned the word ‘alone’ to her. That was how she felt; alone. It was like there was no-one out there for her. Not even Daemon could qualify as company in her eyes, due to his irrational behaviour at times. Feeling the male leaning his head against her, she hummed quietly to herself, a few more tears rolling down the side of her face.

‘Никогда ничего, Ничего не начать. Никогда никого, Умирать и молчать. Не искать, не любить, Не жалеть и не спать.’

“Thank you…for not leaving dear.” Full words and sentences seemed to blossom out of her mouth after she sang in her mind, a song which she didn’t even know fully. Still, it helped her calm down a little. All she had to do now, was work out where to go from there. An open ended question had been uttered, and Thirteen was contemplating on how to answer. Taking another deep breath as a final tear rolled down her face, she sighed.

“There are many things which I wish to talk about. Many things which no wolf I know of would understand at all, for they do not know the pain which plagues me day in and day out. I hold a secret which not even my parents knew, one which has been with me since I was only twelve years old. And…I don’t know whether to…let it out. I am scared. Scared that I will be hated and ridiculed for what I wish to tell the world. Scared my own pack would hate me for the rest of my days. Tell me, dear Illusion; do you know how that feels?” She hoped not to sound rude or thoughtless and the end, and so kept her soft gaze on the male.

Никогда ничего, Ничего не начать. Никогда никого, Умирать и молчать. Не искать, не любить, Не жалеть и не спать - Never nothing, Not to begin anything. Never no one, To die and to keep silent. Not to search for, not to love, not to feel sorry and not to sleep.</sub>

[Ɨlluƨion.]

I L L U S I O N !!

Thirteen’s fur was soft and her body warm, as much as it shivered. His silver eyes were half closed peacefully as he continued to lean slightly on her and surveyed the horizon. It was comforting to have another body so close by, even if it was a stranger’s. But, in some odd way, he felt connected to this female. Something about her was more familiar than any other wolf had felt for him, save maybe his old lover. This thought startled him, making his muscles tense momentarily before he relaxed. Of course he did not see the alphess in that way. And as he groomed her neck and ears, he hoped that she did not mind the intimate gesture. He was so close to her as a friend, nothing more, and she didn’t seem too uncomfortable by it to physically pull away from him. Had she been a male, he wouldn’t have dared get so close. It was odd how he worked, acting like the mate of every female friend, so much that their suitors got jealous. The thought was amusing. As he called the girls “sweetheart” and greeted them with kisses, he was way more attracted to their boyfriends.

The rosy she-wolf seemed to catch one of the tears in midair, spinning it. He watched as the droplet’s shape was kept and it hovered before the water, moonlight reflecting off of it in a beautiful pale spectrum that was reflected in the lupine’s coats. She giggled, and he grinned with a soft laugh of his own as he watched. One really would have thought that she was of the water element, including her display as she stepped lightly on top of the pool, but he had figured out the true nature of her abilities. He knew so, vaguely, from when she had hauled him out of the terrifying rapids. His drenched body had been so light; he assumed that she never would have been able to pick him up. As feminine as he appeared sometimes, and lean, he still had about the weight of a smaller male. It was gravity that caused her to keep things from falling as they should, from being too heavy to manage. He was not great with his own element, and had not been able to levitate. However, he could cause breezes, and he did this now, a warm wind gently tickling her face and brushing some of the tears away.

After resting the tips of her paws in the water, Thirteen noticed his expression and leaned over to nudge him, telling him not to be upset. He shook his head and mumbled that he was okay before straightening and looking up at the moon. He was okay, right? If he wasn’t feeling well and was upset, he at least could not show it. The air around shifted slightly, not strong enough to be noticed if one wasn’t very keen. He flicked his torn ear back, joined quickly by the ringed one, and let out a tiny sigh. Something was troubling him, something he didn’t quite understand, but for her he had to be a strong figure even if he knew this female was much stronger than he could ever be. Glancing fondly at her, Illusion smiled when she thanked him again. She looked thoughtful after his hesitant question, and he wondered if she would tell him what was on her mind. Of course, he didn’t expect anything specific—they were of different packs, and they had not known each other for very long, as close as he felt to her. However, she began to speak.

Illusion’s brow furrowed as her secretive words were spoken, and he tried to make sense of them before deciding it wasn’t really his place to pry into her life. He sighed regretfully as he had no advice to give her, since he didn’t understand, but knew that he could at least answer her question. With some hesitation, he met her orange eyes and smiled weakly. “I do not keep secrets,” he began in a slightly shaky voice, finding his gaze drop to his paws as he became too nervous to face her. “But sometimes people act like I do. I have been ridiculed, taunted, outcast, from my own family, because I’m different than a lot of wolves. I suppose they aren’t worth being upset about; they weren’t understanding and were cold of heart. Your pack might understand your secret—you are their leader; they must care about you. It depends if you trust them to be kind and see things your way, but usually secrets are more dangerous when they’re kept inside. They begin to tear you apart as you keep pining for someone to share them with.”

His silver gaze wandered to the water in front of them, and he trembled slightly. He muttered to himself under his breath, perhaps loud enough for her to hear, “All because I’m a freak; I fall for the wrong wolves according to everyone else.” He dug his claws slightly into the soil as he stared at his reflection and then sent a violent gust of wind at it, shattering the image, before it reformed, the face staring back at him looking lost and sad. “The world is too afraid of different. Two males or two females cannot be mates or everyone will be in an uproar.”

Realizing what he said, the arctic wolf tensed and leaned away from her. His eyes were intent on the ground as he flattened his ears in shame. With a lot of flirty she-wolves in his pack, they were disappointed in a homosexual male; who knew what the situation with Thirteen would be. There was no way to take the words back now. He could only glance timidly back at her and hope.

[T H i R T E E N »]

T H I R T E E N
you might as well just do it alone and i'll watch you go

<sub>A few stars were beginning to poke out now in the clouded sky, dancing along side the silvery glow of th e close-to-full moon. She loved the valley; it was the best part of her territory. All of the flowers swayed and danced, their floral scents lifting the air in the darkness of the night and making it come alive. All she could feel was the head of Illusion on one side of her body, and the cooling water at her paws. They were her physical feelings at least. Her mental feelings were indescribable as they bounced to-and-fro though different states of depression, anxiety and confusion. Tail flicked a few times as he too went tense for a moment. Had he just sensed a similar feeling in the air, or was he too suffering from past memories resurfacing? She didn’t really know fur definite, but let the subject fade away, not wanting to cause discomfort on the poor male at her side. He probably had enough to deal with, without hearing what she had to tell him about her past. He continued to groom her, but…the odd feelings had subsided. She was slightly growing used to it, guessing that it was probably a normal gesture for the male. And, it made her smile a little wider as she shook him off to lick the side of his face gently. To her, doing that gesture felt extremely out of place, so shuffled back to her original spot and gazed out to the moon once more.

As she thought more about what was going on in her head, she felt a breeze pushing past her face. It was warm, and picked up the tears lingering around her fur and whisked them away. It was a sweet gesture. He was an Air Element wolf, she could tell. His voice was so light and airy, his steps graceful and well thought out. None of that could co-inside with the pack he was part of, just like her brains did not come from a Goronzo status. Also, his breezes were wonderful. Orange eyes gazed down to the water, watching it flow over her paws, making them grow and shrink, grow and shrink. Lifting the right one out of the water, she brushed it over the side of her face, lowered it and then did the same with the left. Of course, it made her face very wet indeed, but at least it removed the dried tears. Shaking her muzzle to get the droplets off, she hoped that she hadn’t got Illusion wet. Smiling in a slightly embarrassed way, she put her paws back under the water, eyes turning to gaze over her shoulder. The flowers were still dancing away happily. She began to wonder how her own garden was doing. She hadn’t visited it in a while, and now spring was here, her plants might have blossomed greatly. Perhaps she would even take Illusion to her garden, to thank him for being supportive.

The air around her shifted. There was a small sharpness to it. Head turned to see a very straight Illusion, but with ears pinned back a little. And, he sighed to, very quietly and short, but she just about caught it. She watched him turn to her, a fondness in his eyes she had never seen from any male before. This puzzled her for a moment, but she smiled and gave him a playful nudge to his side with her body. It was then, that he spoke, turning away and sighing, looking at his paws. Evidently, her words had affected him, caused some emotion she had not seen in a long time. “You would not want to keep secrets my dear.” She heard his voice shaking as he spoke, tone getting lower and quieter than she had heard it. Her ears turned a little towards the arctic male, eyes still on him. He was pouring his heart out now, and she had to be there for him. As he spoke, she got her paw from the water and put it close to his, nuzzling the side of his ear with her nose. Hopefully, the action would not be seen as odd or inappropriate.

“I know not what it feels like to be exiled from one’s own family. Friends, yes, I know that pain well. As for being different, now…I relate to that. I am different to any wolf I have ever met, apart from one.” She paused, voice freezing, lump forming in her throat. As small faded images of the light brown female came into her head, another tear welled at the corner of her eye, falling down onto the rocks below. “My pack might understand, you are right. But…my fellow Alpha would not. He is irrational at times in his moods, and…does not see things in the way I do. The way he looks at me if I suggest something…it breaks my heart. And my pack…they are constantly speaking of him as if he were my mate, which is not and shall never be the case.” She pulled her head back and watched his eyes go to the water and the horizon, shimmering as if he were about to cry himself. She let her head fall to one side as she heard his breathed words, watched his reflection become shattered by his violent gusts. And then, he backed away, pulled away, body flattening down. Only his timid and fearful eyes made her smile fade as she herself looked down to the water.

“Illusion, hear me out. I am not a wolfess who judges those on their actions or their appearance or personalities. I judged on nothing at all. I hear your words and know how you feel. It is wrong for those to be ridiculed, exiled and killed for what they believe in, what they love, who they love. I can only offer my sincere apologies for what I guess has happened to over your life. And, I shall forever be here if you need my shoulder to cry on. You are not alone, never think that. Despite our pack differences, boundaries can and shall be crossed. I will do that for you, and you alone. Because…we have a common interest. We share…the same…loves, be it on different sides of the same waters.” She turned her head back to him and smiled softly. She felt braver now than she had ever been in her life. She had found someone to confide in. Licking the side of his face again, she bent down to look into his eyes. “Dearest Illusion…I…I’m gay.” It was said in such a matter-of-factly way, that she wasn’t sure if he would even believe her.</sub>

[Ɨlluƨion.]

I L L U S I O N !!

Illusion smiled when she twisted to lick his cheek, making him chuckle softly under his breath, mostly at the irony that any other time he would have recoiled uncomfortably. His muscles only tensed for a moment at the odd feeling before he got used to it and continued to lean into her. She seemed so dear a friend to him, something he could not understand. They were of opposite packs, of opposite ranks, entirely different—but the same. The bond felt like electricity, not in the chemical spark of attraction, but a deep feeling of pack. As if she was his sister more than a stranger. He did not bother to place the feeling after thinking it over. It was just right. He watched the she-wolf as she wiped the dried tears from her beautiful face—for she was beautiful, just as he saw the beauty in the moon and in the flowers around them. Maybe recognizing that beauty was what bound him to Flyanta, rather than prancing around and boasting it. He lowered his head for a moment to nose some of the grass between his paws and hesitantly dabbed at the water with one, his single silver bangle catching the light before he pulled back. He felt safe with her here.

Thirteen nudged his shoulder as he looked gently at her, then watched silently when he began to spill out the words, ramblings that he did not understand. Whatever he came to mind, he said. It was not the best advice, just his untainted thoughts. He trembled then nearly jumped when she shifted closer to him. Her breath was warm as she nuzzled his ear, and he closed his eyes at the touch, the shaking growing fainter. He relished the feeling of another wolf, so close to him, not at all seeing the brush of fur on fur too intimate. It was more like his mother had done, when he was a puppy trembling at every new creature he faced, back before he had disappointed her so much. He looked at the older alphess as she spoke back to him, eyes softening sadly at the new tear, but it had rolled to the rocks before he could brush it away. At least her own blood had not turned against her, against whatever secret she could have been keeping.

She went on to speak of her pack, and his ears perked up as she mentioned the alpha male. At first he was under the misconception—like so many others, it seemed from her words—that the ruling pair were mates. He frowned and nodded at her words, adding quietly, “He must be a great friend, to rule by your side.” It puzzled him at the time why she had not fallen for this other leader, but some wolves were not compatible. And the thought of two friends ruling seemed like an okay one to him. It was not traditional—but he was far from a traditional wolf. He could not have any thoughts going against it; he had no room to talk. He at last smiled to show that he didn’t disapprove of their relationship, and asked, “He does know this, right? That you will never be mates?” A heartbroken male was a dangerous thing to come by.

After Illusion had let slip his sexuality, more or less, he watched her expression desperately, looking for any sign—either that he should leave or that she accepted it. When Thirteen did talk, his entire frame drooped with relief, and he shivered. However, her words took a turn—she was saying that she knew how she felt. How could she? She had no reason to apologize for what he had gone through, but that statement made a few tears leak onto his muzzle, which he attempted to blow off. Then—then she surprised him, saying as she licked his face:

“You are not alone, never think that. Despite our pack differences, boundaries can and shall be crossed. I will do that for you, and you alone. Because…we have a common interest. We share…the same…loves, be it on different sides of the same waters.”

Does that mean…?

“Dearest Illusion…I….I’m gay.”

He pulled back, only to meet her eyes, his own widened slightly. The Alpha Female of Goronzo was a homosexual, just as he was? A faint smile spread on his lips, and he nuzzled in relief against her shoulder. “It must be a big burden to carry,” he said, understanding her words at last. “It’s such a…controversial thing, these days… But you will be the same wolf after you tell your pack, if you do choose to tell them. And it would clear up whatever rumors surface about you and your co-ruler, I guess.” His calm, slow words had taken on a young tone, as he relaxed and felt himself again.

The white wolf wagged his tail, hitting her lightly in the flank, and looked up at the sky. “Hmm. Could never understand lesbians. Guys are so much more attractive. What’s your reasoning?” He grinned playfully at her, desperate to lighten the mood.

[T H i R T E E N »]

T H I R T E E N
you might as well just do it alone and i'll watch you go

<sub>[this is mostly Thir talking, because my muse is shot terribly for some reason]

“He is a friend of mine yes, great was a word I could once use for him. Sadly, there are days were I fear it has gone to his head a little. He has lost touch with himself and others around him, refusing help and he has even started to push me away. I am scared, because I think he knows what I am, and that might be why he is moving away from me and all of the other wolves in the pack. It breaks my heart to see him do this to us, and himself. I just want him to understand that it will not compromise his position, unless I have to decide to let him go because he is so unwilling to understand the plight I face.” Thirteen looked over to Illusion, and saw his smile. It made her smile to, as he asked questions about her life. She didn’t mind answering them, because she felt comfortable around him, which was a hard thing to come by is males. Normally, they were so hormonal and full of testosterone, that she was instantly pushed away by them, or she pulled herself away. It surprised her how many times that had happened in her life, and she laughed a little. It was a funny thought, putting her Element into the situation to make it even more of a joke.

Her eyes shifted to the sky as she sighed quietly. “I do so hope he knows that. I have told him numerous times that he is purely a friend, and my Alpha Male because of that, because I felt I could trust him. But, that was a while ago now, three years actually. We have grown apart slowly, and I fear that all the pack pressure is causing this behaviour in him, but…I doubt it now. My pack is smart enough to know that it is a purely platonic relationship we share and nothing more than that.” Smirking a little, she made a wave in the water with a flick of her paw, watching it cross the entire body of the lake. It parted a little, some of the rocks underneath sparkling in the moonlight. She looked back to him, seeing the tears rolling down his muzzle as he thought about something. Nudging his nose, she smiled softly again. Now, it was her turn to make him feel better. After all, he had helped her open up, feel better and get a load off her chest and mind. He was a valued friend now in her eyes, and she was determined to hold onto that. Thirteen was never one to keep strict boundary rules.

She watched him pull back eyes widening as he watched on, contemplating what she had just said. It made her smile wider and laugh. “What? I haven’t scared you have I dear?” Shaking her head as her laugh faded, she saw the faintest of smiles worming onto the white male’s face, and a familiar nuzzle at her shoulder. He seemed relieved, which was a good start into making him feel better. Calling it a burden was one thing, carrying it was another. She nodded to his words slowly, tail and ears flicking for a few moments. “Controversy seems to follow me around, but one gets used to it after a time. As for telling my pack…I am still not comfortable with that idea. One or two wolves may have caught on, but it had not sunk in, I can see it in their eyes. Perhaps…one day, it will come out. It needs to; I cannot keep secrets from my own family, it is wrong of me to do so.” She looked to the moon once more, and then shuffled around to face illusion properly, feeling a small pain in her neck from the constant turning. His words were soft and calm, so at least he wasn’t going to make her feel bad about admitting. Thirteen actually thought he seemed rather…alright with the information.

Feeling his tail hitting her flank, she snorted and gave him a hit back, uncurling her tail to do so, even tapping at his paw with her own playfully. Eyes widening for a moment as he spoke for the final time, she could not help but laugh again. “All to their own I guess.” Her laugh faded to a chuckle, then vanished. “Could never really understand gays myself. Like I said; different sides of the same water. As for a reason…I don’t know. Guys don’t do anything for me, no offence to you my dear, because I can see why your home is Flyanta. No bad incidents or anything to convert me, just a personal preference I guess. Biology makes my stomach go all funny…I just don’t understand it really. I guess you run along slightly similar lines, but without the resulting pups. As for my line of things…It’s a bit more complicated I guess.”</sub>

[Ɨlluƨion.]

I L L U S I O N !!

The arctic wolf looked slightly frustrated as she mentioned how the alpha was pulling away from her and the other members of the pack, though he also felt some sympathy for the other male. If he did know her sexuality, and if that was what was driving him off, at least he wasn’t turning on her and driving her out like so many others would. He looked at his paws as he understood some of them made the “normal” wolves uncomfortable, whatever normal was anymore. As he looked on the female’s rosy pelt and orange eyes, wondering if her friend had a body to match, he had to puzzle over how a couple of gay wolves couldn’t be accepted.

Her nuzzles relaxed him and made him wag his tail, even if his vision had been blurred by tears. All he could do was nod to her statements, finding nothing to say. If her pack accepted her, then things would go great, and if they didn’t, he couldn’t really do anything about it. It was up to chance, prejudice versus common sense. He knew that his own pack had somewhat accepted him, or at least didn’t hate him. And it wasn’t because of his sexuality that they gave him most of the dirty looks, anyway. Thirteen was blessed by a strong alpha position and a level-headed pack .The Goronzo were supposed to be smart. They’d be smart about this.

As she whispered how others didn’t know, Illusion shrugged faintly and added his own words. “I have not outright told anyone unless they asked,” he mumbled, remembering his uncle catching on, suddenly grateful Flint had not turned his shoulder. “Some, like my parents, found out and got angry that I hadn’t told them. Others saw it coming so it wasn’t a shock.” He spoke little, his mind burdened, not wanting to say anything that would upset both of them all over again. But a lot was being left unsaid. He wanted to pour out all the hurt and love and hatred and relief of his tale to her, but many times they had spoken that night and his tongue felt like a tired creature in his mouth.

Thirteen swept her tail at him in retaliation to his play and pawed at him. He twisted to run his head into her shoulder and stood up, shaking himself, glancing quickly at the water as if expecting it to have crept up to them while they talked. Her words made little sense to him, though once he got his mind around the general idea, he laughed lightly and nervously. “I guess my parents carried gay recessive genes or something. But my first sight of a wolf outside my family pack was a male.” He grinned a little bit though his ears faltered in their excited upright stance, as he remembered his lover’s departure. “I haven’t really done anything…too complicated. But I’ve always seen girls as beautiful but not attractive. No offense, dear.” He nuzzled her again, playfully, and hopped back. Another thought occurred to him. “Have you seen any other wolves…like you recently? I’ve always heard the girls in my pack…well, claiming their bisexual. I doubt most of them are. It’s just a ploy to get guys’ attention.” He hesitated and stared off into the distance, thinking of his old lover. “I haven’t seen even a bisexual male, though, since Reynard… They think they’re so weak. Even if they’re out there, they’re hiding, but they’re hiding from too much.”

[T H i R T E E N »]

T H I R T E E N
you might as well just do it alone and i'll watch you go

<sub>More and more stars were coming out as the night wore on, the water of the lake now completely still and calm, just like her emotions now. All of the tears that were had either; dried to her fur, been pushed away or had just vanished completely. She was gazing deeply at the moon, head lifted to the sky as a small gust of wind brushed past her fur, causing a chill to rise on her body. Small sections of her fur rose, but fell again as she tried to keep herself warm by shivering a little. Ger mind was drifting away from her, as it normally did when she was concentrating on something. Daemon was the first thing that came to her mind. She saw him, standing over her, snarling and snapping. He had found out, and was bitter and frustrated. That was the scenario she had placed herself in, and she couldn’t escape from it. That same thought was the reason why she had never told him about anything, she was too scared to. Thirteen felt stupid just thinking about it, so lowered her head from the moon and looked over her shoulder back to Illusion. He seemed to be a little angered; perhaps he was dwelling on something as well.

She could just about feel his tail wagging over the rocks and grass and it made her smile. At least he was feeling a little better inside. She looked at him a little more closely, and could see why he was part of the Flyanta pack. Despite his slightly slender frame, he was still muscular and had soft features to make anyone swoon over him. Plus, his eyes were very beautiful indeed. They were natural, unlike her own which seemed more like a cruse at times, as she saw others with amber, blue and green. She pushed at his shoulder again, as he shrugged over her words. “You have told, unlike I, which is a big step in a positive direction. Well, that is what I feel at least.” Her ears turned a little towards him as Illusion spoke on, revealing little drips of his past onto her. Her smile softened greatly as she pondered over how to support the male. Being in different packs made it hard, but, she had already told him that she would cross any boundary for him if he needed her. And she would stick to that promise. Thirteen never broke a promise. She licked the fur on his shoulder again, noticing he seemed a little short on talking. The past was a terrible thing. “It’s alright illusion. I can see you are having trouble speaking about this.”

She felt his head against her shoulder before he stood up and looked at the water. She remembered his fear of water, which was well-founded, after she had saved him from the rapids a while back. However, Thirteen couldn’t help but laugh silently to herself before she stood up herself. “I don’t know where mine came from. I never really had any…attractions, until I was sixteen. And, that ended in disaster.” She let her head fall to the side as she thought on about her first love. The only other wolf in the world with a number for a name; Seventeen. Perhaps it was all a lie? Perhaps she was never really called that, and she never really loved her?

“To be honest, my first and last romance never took off to well. It got as far as nuzzling and then the fire died instantly…I guess I was never truly loved.” Again, she felt his nose pressed against her fur in another playful nuzzle, and it made her sigh. She looked over to him with the same soft yet tearful smile on her face. “Thank you darling. I guess I could say the same back to you. I can see why you are in Flyanta, the beauty is obvious.” She stepped to the water, feeling the ripples under her toes. She deeply wanted to let the water swallow her, and yet, she wanted it to save her too. Thirteen turned around so she was looking directly at Illusion, tail close to her legs. She felt no need to prove herself anymore. “I have not enquired. I doubt there are. Unless I am blind.” Pausing for a moment, her smile widened; “Yes, I have heard stories like that passing on the wind. There was a wolf like yourself in my pack once, but I do not know what happened to him. He left without warning, a fine Soldier he was.” Lowering her nose to the water, she took a few laps into her mouth before straightening again.

“There is, however, one wolf in my pack who I admire greatly. She is a Soldier of mine, all blue in colour. Her name is Isis. She is…unique and interesting. But…I still feel too fragile inside to admit to anything.”</sub>

[Ɨlluƨion.]

I L L U S I O N !!

He returned again to his pondering of the moon, the great entity so many saw as female, wondering if the lunar orb were just like him—silver and white, pretty but entirely misunderstood. The thought amused him and brought the weakest of smiles to his lips, though his companion would probably not notice what he was smiling at or if his expression was changing at all. His body was quite stiff from sitting, and he kneaded the ground lightly with his paws, trying to work some circulation back into them. His rear was probably asleep, it felt so numb. However, even his wonderings about the celestial bodies could not hide the grief welling in his eyes. Thirteen noticed after commending him for telling who he was, and showed support even if he did not want to speak about his past. He swallowed and opened his mouth, as if to leak some of the story out, and shut it again. Later, perhaps later. As much as he trusted the female and could tell her, he did not want to keep this depressing solemnity.

The alpha female looked amused at his glances toward the water, and for that his fur prickled a bit even if he bore no grudge for her smile. A coward was meant to be laughed at. He dug his claws into the soil and closed his eyes tightly as he listened to her story. He fought his own inward pain and tried to reach out to understand her, to listen to her words, to offer comfort even if he was a silent statue beside her. He could imagine the excitement in her young eyes as the pink female bounded to another, and glanced at her again as he nodded once in understanding. Many first loves were just that, an added experience to prepare wolves for one in the future. He eyed her in brief concern to wonder if she was still depressed by that experience though her voice wasn’t heavy with sadness.

Again he wanted to speak, but the words died on his tongue even if he leaned forward as if ready to make his comment about that. Instead, he asked, “Do you regret that?” and fell silent again. He knew that he was getting less talkative and might have come across as cold, but that was his weakness. Illusion loved and cared for others so much, from close friends to strangers like she had been to him only moments ago. He cared so much and did all he could to help, but in return he never allowed anyone to see his own weakness, to let them help him. As passionate as he was, a part of him was still detached from the rest of existence, making him worlds apart from other wolves even if he was nuzzling into their fur and whispering that it would be okay.

“Flyanta is beautiful,” the white wolf said quietly, nodding. “I just wish that those who dwelled there did not think that is its only defining trait. They are supposed to be gentle as well, I would assume. The alpha female does a good job of showing inner beauty as well as outer, but many of the vain ones just think that being pretty lets them rule the world.” He spoke without as much anger in his voice as he had expected, because truly at this point he did not care. They could prance all they want, and drive away friends or attract enemies. What they did was of no concern for him. While he did care for others, he was not going to go out of his way to be sweet to a bitch who taunted him.

His ears perked up when she mentioned another male like him. Throat suddenly dry, it took him a moment to find his voice. “What was his name?” he asked hoarsely, but he called himself out as an idiot, beat himself inwardly for being so stupid and hopeful. He had to accept he’d never run into those from his past and would probably never meet anyone special in the future. All of the amazing wolves were just not meant for him. Thirteen herself was amazing, and a weak part of him was head over heels in love with her personality, but he loved her for being a lesbian. The emotion was just a flicker of light that made him care for her deeply as a friend.

He nodded lightly as she mentioned the female Isis. “What do you mean by fragile? Are you not ready for another love, or are you still afraid of what might happen?” He sighed and paced toward her, then away again as he flopped down onto his stomach and stretched his achy limbs. A tremble shook his frame as he rested his head wearily on his forepaws. “I really don’t believe your pack will be angry or drive you out for who you are,” he said in a weakened voice, grieving deeply. His eyes unfocused for a moment, and he was suddenly staring into another time, growling under his breath to himself, wanting to break out into sobs and nestle against her. But he didn’t want to be weak. He always was.